Flyover Digest: Reminders of why you live where you do...and not out here

Family manifesto debuts in heartland . . . where the godless heathens need it most

ROCKFORD, IL — The Rockford Register Star reports that the City Council has received a resolution proposal in support of the "natural family."

The Concerned Citizens for America asserts in its proposal that "most social ills are caused by the widespread breakdown of the so-called natural family and calls for a world 'restored in line with the intent of its creator.'"

The resolution also "asks the council to state that the primary goal of children should be marriage to a person of the opposite sex." And there's more: "We envision young women growing into wives, homemakers, and mothers, and see young men growing into husbands, home builders, and fathers."

Most of the City Council is less than amused, but maybe not quite as affronted as one would expect. This is a city ripe with old-time Scandinavian Lutherans, and they do a lot of the voting. Check out the full text of the article by Bob Schaper and the letters to the editor that follow the story. Here's the full text of the proposed resolution.

The "natural family" resolution movement isn't just isolated here. It began in (hold your surprise) Utah and is being spread around the nation via the ultraconservative viral grapevine. Watch your local papers closely.



It's almost like seeing Elton John in person — without the Elton John

DAVENPORT, IA — A local music store will be (one assumes) proudly displaying a "bright red Yamaha Disklavier [digital piano] identical to the one famed (sic) musician Elton John plays during his Red Piano Show performances at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas."

One of the sales people at the store says (again, one assumes) without irony, "We are constantly trying to find ways to keep piano players playing, especially young kids . . . There's something about Elton John that says 'cool.'"

— Excerpted from Quad-City Times, 3-01-06

One of the best things about living in these parts is the wealth of punchline-less, pure comedy that can only come from that special place where ignorance, insular living, and delusion reside happily together.

Des Moines teen has finger squarely on the pulse of . . . something

DES MOINES, IA — Fifteen-year-old Richie Lee, despite the current media's calculated and relentless pressure to conform, has decided to go his own way . . . by becoming Buddy Holly? And let's give it to Richie, he's not doing it half-assed; this dude is serious about being dysfunctionally misguided. As the article in The Des Moines Register online version states, "Richie is not your typical teenager." No shit.

Nothing against Buddy Holly — beloved, inspiring, innovative . . . all that in spades — but (and I wish I could credit this theft of phrase, but you know who you are) this has to be the largest dose of poon repellant I've seen on a teenager since my Junior year yearbook photo. Someone, please, toss this poor kid a life preserver — or at least a CD by someone current and a Maxim magazine. Retro is cool — like when you're using it to cover up the fact that your twenties are rapidly dissipating — not when puberty should be calling the shots. Use that guitar playing to its adolescent advantage, dude. That's bait strapped over your shoulder — dangle your line in the water. Learn some whiny Staind or Jack Johnson songs and get yourself into the high school talent show. Use those hormones; that's what they're there for, Richie!

Let's hope no one gives this kid a deck of Magic: The Gathering cards. At least the Buddy Holly getup is still cooler than a spell-caster's robe.